We tend to get fixated on what we want as a means of obtaining happiness, or peace, or joy, or whatever noun you prefer to indicate that state that we’re all ultimately after. If a billionaire suddenly believed, deeply believed, that money created misery, he would give all of his money away quickly. But we tend to think that money, or the right partner, or having a certain home, or the right body, or the right job or social status will finally deliver us from our existential angst.
But by making our means to joy so specific, we create a lot of suffering for ourselves. Also, we decrease the odds that we’ll even obtain the means itself, let alone the end (joy). Why? Because we don’t tend to be productive or creative when we are unhappy, and we’ve inherently set our stage for unhappiness, since we (think we) need that specific thing before happiness can be had. This creates a catch-22, in which we need our specific thing before we can be happy/joyful, but we need happiness/joy before we can have our specific thing.
For example, imagine that you decide you need a certain partner that you have envisioned in your mind, in order to be happy. Ergo, you are not happy yet. What are the odds that you are going to attract that partner in your unhappy state?
But while we focus on what we think we need (and don’t have), we are missing out on what we do have, and could have.
Imagine walking through a lush jungle full of tropical fruits of all kinds — mangoes, guavas, passion fruits, and many others so exotic that you’ve never learned their names. But, you have your mind set on blueberries. You just “know” that you need blueberries in order to get sated. So you pass all the other delicious fruits, remaining hungry and malnourished because blueberries grow in cooler, higher elevation areas. Your goal was to be nourished, but somehow that goal became to get blueberries. But there were many other avenues to be nourished, all around. All you needed to do was pick up one of the other cornucopia fruits and eat it.
Most of us are doing this to some extent in our daily lives. We have a blindness to the previously unconsidered modes of psychological and emotional nourishment, and walk right by that which we don’t sense. The analytical mind becomes too narrowly focused, rather than open-minded and creative.
I suspect that depression thrives on this happiness tunnel vision. Depression doesn’t want you to realize that there are myriad ways to be fulfilled, excited, inspired, and joyful. It’s done a good job blinding you to these other pathways to passion.
It’s worth considering why we tend to remain fixated on the blueberries. I think a lot of it has to do with unresolved grief. We’re still looking for that specific thing because we haven’t yet accepted the possibility that we might not find it, or at least might not find it soon. It’s a bit like continuing to stay focused on a person after they’ve died. That focus can’t also be spent on the people around who are alive. Instead of a person, we’re obsessing over a dead dream. Most of the time we don’t know clearly when a dream is dead or just missing in action. That’s okay. I think we can simply shift some of our focus toward other possibilities, and revisit the dream from time to time, to monitor the life it creates in us, and the realistic likelihood it has of becoming reality. The more time passes, the more energy we’ve expended without results, and the more information suggests that our specific means of obtaining happiness is nowhere to be found, the more open to other means of happiness I try to be.
Fruit-hunting questions
What small things can you do that will give you a bit of the juice of life that you are craving? A bit of presence? It can take some discipline to start trying new things when we’re used to sticking to the same, tired routines that aren’t doing it for us.
If you are having a hard time coming up with ideas, stop everything. Sit down in a quiet and comfortable place and close your eyes, and breathe easily, and wait. Don’t get up right away, no matter how convincing your mind tries to be by telling you that it’s a waste of time and you have other things that you suddenly need to do. Set your intention to generate creative new ideas. Ask question like:
- What can I be open to?
- What sounds interesting?
- What can make my life just a little bit better, right now?
- What, if I started it, might create a small spark of joy?
Even making these questions, I notice a small delight. Make up your own questions. Share them below if you feel moved to.
Sometimes I do this exercise while running. I ask these sorts of questions while I focus on the ground passing beneath my feet and the myriad body sensations. I don’t rush it or expect instant results. I wait for the answer patiently and respectfully. In the meantime I enjoy the run. I make sure I don’t get lost in thought very long, always bringing my focus back to the run and my intention to learn from the “teacher within.” Almost inevitably, some sort of new ideas will start to emerge. I also often carry something to make a note of the ideas, but the primary focus is not on recording them, but on channeling them.
Life is a lot more fun when we stay open to the unknown ways it will nourish us, as opposed to making up our minds beforehand (usually based in preconceived notions from our pasts) about how the plot is going to go in advance. Instead, think of life as an unknowable adventure that you’re having, full of unforeseen and undiscovered, delightful fruits.