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Relationships

Read more about the article The Drama Triangle: A Cocoon of Moral Certainty
Relationships / Self-awareness

The Drama Triangle: A Cocoon of Moral Certainty

This is part 3.1 of my ongoing video essay series, "The Subtle Art Of Taking It Personally". Audio/video version available on YouTube: https://youtu.be/6hHlx0Y73DI The appeal of the drama triangle At…

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March 15, 2026
Read more about the article The Blind Spot That Keeps Conflict Alive
Relationships / Self-awareness

The Blind Spot That Keeps Conflict Alive

This is part 2.7 of my ongoing video essay series, "The Subtle Art Of Taking It Personally". Video version available on YouTube: https://youtu.be/4OSaIlCAA-w Why indifference hurts The advice to “never…

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February 14, 2026
Read more about the article Circular Causality Blindness In Intimate Relationships
Relationships / Self-awareness

Circular Causality Blindness In Intimate Relationships

This is part 2.6 of my ongoing video essay series, "The Subtle Art Of Taking It Personally". Video version available on YouTube: https://youtu.be/58CkZ5x7Z2E The myth of less goodness One of…

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December 24, 2025
Read more about the article The Myth Of Pure Evil And Circular Causality Blindness
Relationships / Self-awareness

The Myth Of Pure Evil And Circular Causality Blindness

This is part 2.5 of my ongoing video essay series, "The Subtle Art Of Taking It Personally". Video version available on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Yejzl_c-GoM Circular causality blindness is  more pronounced in…

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November 15, 2025
Read more about the article Circle Eye Blind: Semi-Concealed Side Of Strife
Relationships / Self-awareness

Circle Eye Blind: Semi-Concealed Side Of Strife

This is part 2.4 of my ongoing video essay series, "The Subtle Art Of Taking It Personally". This post is the text of a video essay (posted on YouTube here):…

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October 20, 2025
Read more about the article Significance Shadows And Influence Illusions
Relationships / Self-awareness

Significance Shadows And Influence Illusions

This is part 2.3 of my ongoing video essay series, "The Subtle Art Of Taking It Personally". This post is the text of a video essay (posted on YouTube here):…

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August 17, 2025
Read more about the article Echoes Of Steps Inevitably Intersect
Relationships / Self-awareness

Echoes Of Steps Inevitably Intersect

This is part 2.2 of my ongoing video essay series, "The Subtle Art Of Taking It Personally". This post is the text of a video essay (posted on YouTube here):…

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May 15, 2025
Read more about the article Taking It Circularly (The Subtle Art Of Taking It Personally 2.1)
Relationships / Self-awareness

Taking It Circularly (The Subtle Art Of Taking It Personally 2.1)

This is part 2.1 of my ongoing video essay series, "The Subtle Art Of Taking It Personally". This post is the text of a video essay (posted on YouTube here):…

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March 27, 2025
Read more about the article The subtle art of taking it personally (part 1): Who do we think we are?
Relationships / Self-awareness

The subtle art of taking it personally (part 1): Who do we think we are?

This post is the text of a video essay (posted on YouTube here): https://youtu.be/2qfUyFcLsTo?si=MZ01svM8HuuGUxRq Inquiries “Never take anything personally”, because “nothing is personal”. We’ve all probably heard this popular piece…

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June 18, 2024
Read more about the article Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 3): individual healing
Healing / Relationships / Self-awareness

Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 3): individual healing

This post is the text of a video essay I've hosted on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/0cvMSEHhAlE Breakup wake ups Breakups can be especially sad when we’ve put a lot of work…

Comments Off on Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 3): individual healing
March 27, 2024
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metaforestinsights

Therapist reflecting on peace, growth, love, purpose, and living fully.
My full long-form videos are on YouTube.
🌲❄️🗻🪿🍄☀️
metaforest.life

Intimate relationships are the ones most likely to Intimate relationships are the ones most likely to abrade our core wounds, because it is within them that we allow ourselves to be the most vulnerable. That pain can make or break the relationship.
~~~~~
A relationship without defenses
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.2.4)
~~~~~
#Relationships #Healing #Defenses #Psychology #Therapy
Psychological defenses from childhood are like a h Psychological defenses from childhood are like a heavy wooden raft that we keep carrying long after the river is behind us.

Aggression, withdrawal, people-pleasing, guardedness, etc — they are the rafts that once helped us survive the river of childhood vulnerability.

But eventually they become a burden we have to learn to set down.
~~~~~
Walking with a heavy raft
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.2.3)
~~~~~
#Relationships #Healing #Defenses #Psychology #Therapy
Defenses block the flow of love in two ways: they Defenses block the flow of love in two ways: they prevent us from showing up for our partner the way they need, and they prevent us from receiving the healthy ways our partner shows up for us.

Defenses exist for a reason: to protect us from the pain of old wounds so we can keep functioning and moving through life.

But every defense comes with a cost. We tend to forget about the wound beneath it and instead become skilled at maintaining the defense itself rather than healing the wound.

Just as limping protects a broken toe but limits our ability to walk freely, emotional defenses protect us from pain while limiting our capacity to love and be loved.

~~~~~
How defenses block the flow of love
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.2.2)
~~~~~
#Relationships #Healing #Defenses #EmotionalWounds #Psychology #Therapy
Psychological wounds can be described in many ways Psychological wounds can be described in many ways. The simplest map is of a single “core wound”: a sense of unlovability. Another useful lens sees the two fundamental attachment injuries: abandonment and engulfment. Still other models describe core schemas (core beliefs) such as “I am unlovable”, “I am unsafe”, or “I am powerless”.

There are many classifications of emotional wounds, but they all attempt to make sense of what is underneath our protective defenses.

~~~~~
Maps of psychological injury
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.2.1)
~~~~~
#Relationships #Healing #Psychology #Therapy #Defenses #CoreWounds
A lot of psychological healing comes down to becom A lot of psychological healing comes down to becoming aware of our core wounds, and distinguishing them from the defenses that we adopted to protect them.
Once we do that, we can give attention to the wound itself and not just the defense. Our attention is healing, so the wound underneath the defense is what most needs it.
~~~~~
Psychological wounds and defenses
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.2)
~~~~~
#Relationships #Healing #Psychology #Therapy #CoreWounds #Defenses
The sweetness of newer relationships can feel so g The sweetness of newer relationships can feel so good that it masks core wounds that we brought into the relationship. 
When the passion fire calms to a normal sustainable burn and the pain of our wounds is felt, we can misattribute that pain to a partner’s shortcomings.
Sometimes they did make mistakes. But often the pain was revealed more than it was created.
It’s like having an already fractured foot stepped on.
With distance, we may see that mutual defenses blocked love that could have potentially been given, had we worked on dissolving those defenses.
~~~~~
Breakups reveal what relationships conceal
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.1.2)
~~~~~
#Relationships #Attachment #Healing #Breakups #SelfReflection #Dating #Psychology
~~~ Perspective from a distance (Three pillars of ~~~
Perspective from a distance
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.1.1)

While we’re in relationship, pain feels like cause and effect.
They do something. We hurt.

After it ends, and the same wounds still ache, we can see our wounds more clearly.
~~~

#Relationships #Healing #Attachment #Breakups #Self-Reflection #Dating #Psychology
~~~ Break up wake ups (Three pillars of a nourishi ~~~
Break up wake ups
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.1)

Breakups hurt more when both people were good, but wounded. Sometimes what we thought were boundaries were actually defenses. It can be hard to tell the difference between integrity and fear. Knowing the difference informs where to focus next.

#Relationships #Healing #Breakups #Selfreflection #Dating #Psychology #Attachment
~~~~~ When to end a relationship (Three pillars of ~~~~~
When to end a relationship
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 2.11.8)
~~~~~
#Relationships #BreakingUp #Dating #Compatibility #Psychology #Attachment #Decisions #Marriage
~~~~~ Compassionate uncoupling (Three pillars of a ~~~~~
Compassionate uncoupling
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 2.11.8a)
~~~~~
#Relationships #BreakingUp #Dating #Compatibility #Psychology Attachment Decisions Marriage
~~~~~ Does relationship compatibility change over ~~~~~
Does relationship compatibility change over time?
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 2.11.7)
~~~~~
#Relationships #Dating #Compatibility #Psychology #Attachment #Decisions #Marriage #Spirituality
~~~~~ Compatibility-life balance (Three pillars of ~~~~~
Compatibility-life balance
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 2.11.6)
~~~~~
#Relationships #Dating #Compatibility #Psychology #Attachment #Decisions #Marriage #Spirituality
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