Healing

Read more about the article How Long Should Hard Emotions Last? (Part 1) — The Two Arrows
Healing / Inner-peace / Practices / Self-awareness / Wisdom

How Long Should Hard Emotions Last? (Part 1) — The Two Arrows

How long should hard emotions last? In 18 years of practice, almost every client has asked me some version of that question, though usually not directly. Sometimes it sounds like "I feel my pain all the time, I should be feeling less of it, not more." Sometimes it's "I don't really do the feels." My answer begins with the Buddhist parable of the two arrows. The first arrow is the pain life shoots at us, big or small. The second arrow is the one we shoot at ourselves, trying not to feel the first. Second arrows can be cognitive, somatic, behavioral, or relational. Responding to an emotion isn't inherently a problem. What makes a response a second arrow is whether it's aimed at avoiding the feeling or metabolizing it. I also address why "which path involves less pain?" may not be the most useful question, and what liberation means if it isn't freedom from pain. This is Part 1 of a series.

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October 5, 2026
Read more about the article Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 3): individual healing
Healing / Relationships / Self-awareness

Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 3): individual healing

In a relationship, it’s easy to attribute the pain of our individual wounds to a partner.  They say something hurtful, and we hurt.  They leave, and we feel lonely.  They smother us, and we feel trapped.  It’s just an obvious case of cause and effect, right?  What more to it could there be? That’s what we think, at least, until we break up and, months later, are still feeling similar hurt, loneliness, suffocation, or whatever else we were feeling when they were around.  Only this time they aren’t around to attribute it to.  That can motivate us to look inward and question how fair we were to them, and where all those feelings actually come from.

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March 27, 2024
Read more about the article Cutting the strings that bind us (The Free Oscar Project)
Healing / Purpose

Cutting the strings that bind us (The Free Oscar Project)

Oscar first introduced himself to me on a beautiful sunny day in the early and snowy winter. I was struck by how close he came to me, and how he seemed small and conspicuously alone.   In retrospect, at the time, it felt a bit like looking in a mirror-perfect reflection of a calm lake. A friend later told me that he likely had been abandoned by his flock, since Canadian Geese are usually social animals.  I didn’t know if that was true, but the possibility wrenched my heart.

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February 11, 2023