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Lake Wanaka

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Lake Wanaka

Post author:Brent Henrikson
Post published: February 8, 2020
Post category:Nature / New Zealand

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A therapist's insights on being more alive.
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Steps 1 and 2 of 11 for dissolving defenses to hea

Steps 1 and 2 of 11 for dissolving defenses to heal wounds. Steps 3 & 4 are next.

#emotionalhealing #innerwork #emotionalregulation #healing #relationships

Some emotional pain is from a new injury, and that

Some emotional pain is from a new injury, and that pain is a signal to protect ourselves, to prevent the damage.

But some (maybe even most) emotional pain is actually of old injuries, and our wise response to that pain is the opposite.

Pain from an old injury needs to be felt. Allowed. Surrendered to. Because that pain is a different signal: it's a sign that you're healing. That pain is like the pain of surgery, or exorcism. The trauma hurt going in, and so it hurts coming out.

Self-protection in that case blocks our healing, but it can FEEL like damage prevention. Since the pain feels so similar, it's easy to mistake one for the other.

#healingtrauma #emotionalhealing #innerwork #emotionalwounds #presence

She needs closeness before she can give him space.

She needs closeness before she can give him space. He needs space before he can give her closeness. So who goes first?

Most serious couples hit some version of this power struggle over who receives and who gives. As I see it, the way through is taking turns: stretching to care for your partner at your own temporary expense, and doing enough of your own healing to weather it. That work can begin long before you ever meet.

#couplestherapy #attachmentstyles #innerchildhealing #relationships #consciousrelationships

No one gets through childhood unscathed. So we all

No one gets through childhood unscathed. So we all carry at least some old wounding from needs that weren't quite met. And, according to Imago therapy, we carry an unconscious agenda with regards to that old wounding into our committed love relationship. We are unconsciously looking to be healed. But some of the traits that drew us to our partner (they feel like “family”), also make it likely that, at times, our partner will be challenged in providing us with the different outcome that we long for from them.

The good news is that we also seek partners who are not entirely like our family of origin. We want them to close enough to our family to repair what’s unresolved, but different enough so they can actually accomplish it, rather than recreate the original childhood injuries.

The same is true in reverse — they have their own unconscious agenda to be healed, and we’ll be both the right and the wrong person for that job.

#ImagoTherapy #Relationships #Healing #Attachment #Psychology MentalHealth InnerChild Philosophy

When a relationship ends, it can become a bittersw

When a relationship ends, it can become a bittersweet inspiration to heal, if we intuit that our attachment wounds and defenses blocked our innate generosity of, and receptivity to, love.

There are countless healing paths, whether they be with others (e.g., therapy, close friendship), or with yourself (e.g., solitude, nature, introspection).

The route you take works for you if it takes you to self-love, which is where love for a partner can overflow from.

A significant sign of progress is genuine wishes that your exes are finding the same healing, self-love, and healthy intimate connection that you’re seeking and cultivating.

#healing #attachmentwounds #innerwork #selflove #relationships therapy solitude introspection selfcompassion intimacy personalgrowth

Our ability to handle emotional discomfort directl

Our ability to handle emotional discomfort directly determines how well we can love a partner.

It's human nature to feel good when we get what we want, and pain when we don't. But healthy relationships require sometimes going without, so our partner can have their needs met.

We can't give a partner space when we crave connection unless we can tolerate the discomfort that space creates. We can’t give a partner connection when we want space unless we can tolerate the discomfort from not having the space.

To the extent we can tolerate these emotions, we can show up with love. To the extent we reactively avoid them, we can't.

The foundation of emotional regulation is ideally built in childhood, but with hard work and consistent practice, we can catch up as adults.

If, after a relationship ends, we struggle to understand why we leaned too hard, or why connection unnerved us, that may be our call to heal before — or during — the next one.

#EmotionalRegulation #Relationships #Healing #Love #PersonalGrowth AttachmentTheory EmotionalIntelligence LifePhilosophy

The one thing that matters most to me in a client

The one thing that matters most to me in a client isn't age, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or background. It's this: Are you curious about yourself? Do you reflect? Do you want to look inward more?

Early in life I realized something that has stayed with me: it's much easier to change ourselves than to change the world. The world is so much bigger than we are, and our control over it is — if you really think about it — extremely small. What I started to see was that our happiness, our whole experience of life, has less to do with how much the world caters to us and more to do with how aligned we are with it.

Some people come to therapy because their external lives are hard and they want relief. Sometimes they're hoping therapy will directly change their circumstances. Other times they assume that providing relief is simply my job. In both cases I will likely disappoint, because the only way I know how to help is by helping you change something in yourself:

Some way you've been turning away from your own emotions, subtly or not.

Some change in your behavior, your habits, the ways you relate to people.

Some shift in how you see yourself and others, in both the past and the future.

Some way of becoming more present, of saying yes to your experience more fully.

Our circumstances do matter. But the only leverage I can offer you is on the inside. And pursuing outer changes while avoiding inner change is frequently the very pattern that brings people to therapy in the first place.

When people do make inner changes, their outer circumstances usually improve — but often with a long lag time of years. Think of adjusting a sailboat's course. The sails swing all the way across, a dramatic change, and yet your position on the water has barely moved. Give that new heading time though, and the small change compounds. Eventually you could find yourself on the other side of the world.

Importantly, where the boat ends up isn't really the point. What matters is how it's sailing: trimmed, balanced, and moving cleanly through the water it's in right now.

#therapy #innerwork #selfreflection #psychotherapy #carljung #presence #selfawareness #healing

In couples work, my clients often resist showing u

In couples work, my clients often resist showing up lovingly for their partner. The logic is understandable: "Better to not give than to give and not receive."

But more self-protection changes nothing. The bond just keeps degrading. Someone always has to "go first" to interrupt the downward spiral.

Here's the more motivating reason to give freely: I call it cleaning up your side of the street.

If you're holding back, it's impossible to know how much your partner is capable of loving you, because your withholding creates theirs.

But if you give genuinely and consistently, without keeping score, eventually you get clarity.

Either your partner feels the love and responds in kind, or it becomes clear they can't meet your needs, however wonderful they are in other ways.

You might even discover the happiness you sought from receiving was found in giving. That you need less than you thought, and can tolerate more imperfection, once you become a better cleaner of your own messes.

Any of these outcomes creates movement. You're no longer stuck in agonizing stagnation. You've either restored a win-win relationship, or found the conviction to leave.

When there's a collective mess, it's hard to know how much is yours. When you thoroughly clean your part, you can finally see how much is really theirs.

#Relationships #CouplesTherapy #Healing #Love #PersonalGrowth RelationshipAdvice SelfAwareness LifePhilosophy

It’s crucial to know the difference between partne

It’s crucial to know the difference between partner incompatibility and our unhealed wounds, because it informs whether you simply need to find a more compatible partner, or need to turn your attention toward yourself for a while to address the wounds that don’t go away when a relationship ends.

Sometimes after a breakup, it's clear that no path with that person would have served you. The differences were too great. Staying would have meant betraying your essential nature, suppressing vital parts of yourself, and giving up non-negotiable dreams.

When you find this truth, you don't tend to question the choice. You feel peace and empowerment, mixed with grief. You take comfort in knowing yourself and your needs more fully.

But other relationship endings are different. You may have an intuition that you were already limiting yourself before the relationship even started. And that that suppression kept you from rising to the occasion, from being who you really are. Fear of authenticity and intimacy kept you from showing up fully. You sense that you self-sabotaged for emotional protection.

When this happens, it happens on both sides, because commitment is a joint act. You can sense when someone says "I'm in" but their heart isn't fully there. And that makes you close off too. Fear of investing is mutually reciprocal, like two ships drifting apart from one another.
~~~
Incompatibility vs unhealed wounds
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.3.4)
~~~
#Relationships #Breakups #SelfAwareness #Commitment #Love Healing PersonalGrowth RelationshipPatterns LifePhilosophy AttachmentTheory

Committing too fast to an incompatible or uncommit

Committing too fast to an incompatible or uncommitted partner can be an attempt to protect the wound of abandonment or neglect.
Withholding commitment too long, even from great partners, can attempt to protect the wound of engulfment or loss of autonomy.
These commitment defenses correspond to anxious and avoidant attachment styles, which are ironically often drawn toward one another, because both the ability to commit and the wisdom to be discerning can be lost parts of ourselves. Each ability is one half of the art and skill of commitment. We can be simultaneously attracted to and repelled by either of those abilities that we've disowned in order to avoid pain and heartbreak in our pasts.
~~~
Commitment Defenses
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.3.3)
~~~
#Love #Relationships #Dating #AttachmentTheory #Healing PersonalGrowth Commitment SelfAwareness AnxiousAttachment AvoidantAttachment RelationshipPatterns AttachmentWounds

Most people thrive with a secure attachment. When

Most people thrive with a secure attachment. When they adore and are adored. Cherish and are cherished. Ambivalence for too long prevents that security.

Choosing a restaurant meal is low stakes, so we only need 10 or 15 minutes to decide. But for choosing to commit (emotionally) to a partner, the relevant unit of time is months or years. A few weeks isn't enough to know someone well enough to let our heart fully open. But two years of significant ambivalence is probably too long. Life is too short to spend years holding back our love or being with someone who is holding back theirs.

The direction of a relationship commitment also matters. If it’s increasing at the 2 year mark that is very different than if it’s decreasing. Commitment isn’t all-or-nothing and it doesn’t happen all at once. It’s also a risk, but with greater reward when it lasts.
~~~
How Long Should Commitment Take?
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.3.2)
~~~
#Relationships #Commitment #SecureAttachment #Dating #Love LifePhilosophy

Every path we choose excludes all others. That's t

Every path we choose excludes all others. That's the existential given of relationship commitment.

Staying at the commitment fork in the road is also a choice. If we stay there too long, we miss the adventure of deep, nourishing intimacy.

Two people can share a lease, a last name, and even kids — and still not be fully committed to each other in their hearts.

Commitment is like ordering off a restaurant menu instead of staring at it forever and not eating.

~~~
The Ambivalence Trap
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.3.1)
~~~
#Relationships #Healing #Defenses #Psychology #SelfAwareness #InnerWork #Psychotherapy #Attachment #PersonalGrowth #ExistentialTherapy

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