Secrets of a Passionate Marriage is an audio program that covers the main ideas of David Schnarch’s classic self help book for couples, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. Originally published in 1997, it is one of those relationship books that has stood the test of time.
Unlike the main book, Secrets of a Passionate Marriage as an audio program (published by Sounds True) is narrated, or rather spoken like a thoughtful lecture, by the author himself.
It deals with the deeper mindsets, beliefs, and behaviors that lead to lasting emotional and sexual intimacy, and felt to be especially addressed to couples in mid-life and beyond, who have been together for a long time. The hardcover jacket cover reads:
Has sex with your partner become routine or unfulfilling? Can you say just what you want in bed or let your partner really see you during an orgasm? Spicing up your love life involves more than mood music and clever techniques. Every sexual exchange, from kissing to daring erotic behaviors, is a picture of your entire relationship – a reflection of how you and your partner feel about yourselves, and each other, outside the bedroom. (…) Keeping passion and intimacy alive requires facing the anxiety of defining yourself while getting closer to your partner, a process called differentiation. (…) Sexual encounters provide perfect opportunities to develop the strength to love deeply.
From that description, it’s clear that sex is central to this book, but it’s not a shallow look at sex. I think it does a very good job communicating the ways that deeply fulfilling and soul-nourishing sex is inseparable from each partner’s ability to be solid within themselves and is proportional to each partner’s ability to widely open their “emotional hearts” to each other.
Some great relationship books focus very well on the emotional aspects of intimacy, but largely avoid the topic of sex, perhaps based on the assumption that once emotional intimacy is established, great sex will inevitably follow. And while there is probably a large grain of truth in that assumption, I think it’s also true that it can work in the other direction: intimate sex can build emotional intimacy too. So, I think this book, which connects emotional and sexual intimacy, can fill in some missing gaps for couples that are reasonably close emotionally, but whose sex lives aren’t very satisfying.
I found the author’s tone clear and direct, with an emphasis on intimacy requiring work, and personal responsibility of both partners. He uses the term “crucible” to refer to marriage, a metaphor implying heat and stress for transformation and growth. I personally like this perspective, and find that it rings with truth. Relationships do require work, and mind-blowing sex, like most things spectacular, takes and a willingness to move towards discomfort (in this case, the discomfort of being truly vulnerable and open-hearted to your partner).
Here is a link to the audiobook. It is fairly brief, about 2.5 hours long.