I like the idea that anyone can love anyone, regardless of their life conditioning and their genetic attributes.  And technically I think that’s true.  I believe that at a soul level, we are all the same consciousness, so loving any other being is like loving ourselves. But loving someone isn’t the same as having a relationship with them.  Love isn’t transactional, but relationships are, even if those transactions aren’t kept track of (which are the best kind of transactions for intimacy). Love and relationship are related, but not the same.  Some kinds of relationships like family, friendship, and intimate partnership require love to work.  Other relationships, like financial ones, might not.  Sometimes love means there’s a relationship, and sometimes love can be present when no relationship is there. Love, as Sadhguru says, “is a certain sweetness of emotion.”  Relationships, on the other hand, are about fulfilling needs.

What makes a relationship work?   It’s a pretty important question.  If we knew the answer -- really knew it -- and believed it in our bones -- it might go a long way toward influencing who we select, how we prepare when single, and how we show up in relationships. Most people want a healthy, nourishing romantic and intimate relationship.  But I think there’s a lot of warranted confusion around what will get us there, because the answer isn’t simple.  When I was younger, I didn’t choose partners or show up in relationships all that consciously, which is fairly typical.  When we start out dating, we don’t know what we don’t know, and we assume there can’t be all that much to it.  I followed my heart and my butterflies and physical attraction.  And while every relationship was a mixed bag of blessings and pain, I think I would have benefited from listening to someone older and wiser giving me a more conscious and rational explanation of what tends to make relationships work — from selecting a good match, to doing the individual inner work needed to show up in a loving way, to doing the hard work of communicating and compromising together.

This post is the text of a video essay I've hosted on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/rFBa3utVVOo Most adults have been hurt in romantic relationships in the past. When we’re young and…