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Read more about the article The subtle art of taking it personally (part 1): Who do we think we are?
Relationships / Self-awareness

The subtle art of taking it personally (part 1): Who do we think we are?

You may have heard the advice, “don’t take anything personally”. And what’s not to like about the idea that other people's challenging behavior has nothing to do with us and is all “about them”? But… is it true? If so, would that not also infer that all of our actions are only “about us” and have nothing to do with what other people do in our midst? What does “taking something personally” actually mean? And for that matter, what does “personal” mean? (This may not be as obvious as it sounds). How much of human behavior is about the characteristics of the person exhibiting it, and how much of it is a “normal” reaction to their context, and what factors does the answer to that question depend on? When are we at risk of taking something too personally, and when might we not take something personally enough? And how can we skillfully make a case-by-case, nuanced discernment of the extent to which our behavior arises from our personality and past conditioning, as opposed to being simply proportionate responses to real impacts of others’ choices upon us? I’m taking a look at these and other questions in my latest video series, called “The subtle art of taking it personally.” This is part 1.

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June 18, 2024
Read more about the article Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 3): individual healing
Healing / Relationships / Self-awareness

Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 3): individual healing

In a relationship, it’s easy to attribute the pain of our individual wounds to a partner.  They say something hurtful, and we hurt.  They leave, and we feel lonely.  They smother us, and we feel trapped.  It’s just an obvious case of cause and effect, right?  What more to it could there be? That’s what we think, at least, until we break up and, months later, are still feeling similar hurt, loneliness, suffocation, or whatever else we were feeling when they were around.  Only this time they aren’t around to attribute it to.  That can motivate us to look inward and question how fair we were to them, and where all those feelings actually come from.

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March 27, 2024
Read more about the article Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 2): compatibility
Relationships

Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 2): compatibility

I like the idea that anyone can love anyone, regardless of their life conditioning and their genetic attributes.  And technically I think that’s true.  I believe that at a soul level, we are all the same consciousness, so loving any other being is like loving ourselves. But loving someone isn’t the same as having a relationship with them.  Love isn’t transactional, but relationships are, even if those transactions aren’t kept track of (which are the best kind of transactions for intimacy). Love and relationship are related, but not the same.  Some kinds of relationships like family, friendship, and intimate partnership require love to work.  Other relationships, like financial ones, might not.  Sometimes love means there’s a relationship, and sometimes love can be present when no relationship is there. Love, as Sadhguru says, “is a certain sweetness of emotion.”  Relationships, on the other hand, are about fulfilling needs.

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February 12, 2024
Read more about the article Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 1): hard work together
Relationships

Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 1): hard work together

What makes a relationship work?   It’s a pretty important question.  If we knew the answer -- really knew it -- and believed it in our bones -- it might go a long way toward influencing who we select, how we prepare when single, and how we show up in relationships. Most people want a healthy, nourishing romantic and intimate relationship.  But I think there’s a lot of warranted confusion around what will get us there, because the answer isn’t simple.  When I was younger, I didn’t choose partners or show up in relationships all that consciously, which is fairly typical.  When we start out dating, we don’t know what we don’t know, and we assume there can’t be all that much to it.  I followed my heart and my butterflies and physical attraction.  And while every relationship was a mixed bag of blessings and pain, I think I would have benefited from listening to someone older and wiser giving me a more conscious and rational explanation of what tends to make relationships work — from selecting a good match, to doing the individual inner work needed to show up in a loving way, to doing the hard work of communicating and compromising together.

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December 3, 2023
Read more about the article Cutting the strings that bind us (The Free Oscar Project)
Healing / Purpose

Cutting the strings that bind us (The Free Oscar Project)

Oscar first introduced himself to me on a beautiful sunny day in the early and snowy winter. I was struck by how close he came to me, and how he seemed small and conspicuously alone.   In retrospect, at the time, it felt a bit like looking in a mirror-perfect reflection of a calm lake. A friend later told me that he likely had been abandoned by his flock, since Canadian Geese are usually social animals.  I didn’t know if that was true, but the possibility wrenched my heart.

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February 11, 2023
Read more about the article Imago couples therapy
Psychotherapy

Imago couples therapy

“When we were babies, we didn’t smile sweetly at our mothers to get them to take care of us. We didn’t pinpoint our discomfort by putting it into words. We…

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November 18, 2022