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Author: Brent Henrikson

This author has written 164 articles
Read more about the article Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 2): compatibility
Relationships

Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 2): compatibility

This post is the text of a video essay I've hosted on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/1nr4maTiFQE Love vs relationship I like the idea that anyone can love anyone, regardless of their…

0 Comments
February 12, 2024
Read more about the article Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 1): hard work together
Relationships

Three pillars of a nourishing relationship (part 1): hard work together

This post is the text of a video essay I've hosted on YouTube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsXtYOWf-e0 Introduction What leads to a nourishing intimate relationship? What makes a relationship work?   It’s a…

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December 3, 2023
Reviews

Review / summary of Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength by Roy Baumeister

I generally find Roy Baumeister’s research topics interesting, including his willpower research.  This book is written by a journalist and talks about Dr Baumeister in the 3rd person.  I think…

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September 16, 2023
Reviews

Review/summary of The Genius Zone by Gay Hendricks

I think The Genius Zone is a book that would benefit those looking to enhance their creativity and who are in search for their purpose and calling, but I also think there…

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August 26, 2023
Reviews

Review of The Great Work of Your Life by Stephen Cope

I heard Cope give a short talk on a Sounds True YouTube video and there was something about his clarity and organization of his presentation that I had a strong…

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August 21, 2023
Reviews

Review/summary of The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks

The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks is a book I found valuable for decreasing negative thinking, improving creativity, and feeling more empowered.  This a book review / summary of some…

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August 21, 2023
Read more about the article Cold water immersion in nature: a therapist’s experience and reflections (Part 3)
Healing / Nature / Practices

Cold water immersion in nature: a therapist’s experience and reflections (Part 3)

This post is the text of a video essay that I made. For most people, I would recommend watching/listening to the video instead of reading the post: https://youtu.be/yX0xYJmrQvY The River…

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August 5, 2023
Read more about the article Cold water immersion in nature: a therapist’s experience and reflections (Part 2)
Healing / Nature / Practices

Cold water immersion in nature: a therapist’s experience and reflections (Part 2)

This post is narrated in this YouTube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_WO7D8u8sE Keeping our cold seat In standard meditation practices, a common instruction is to “keep your seat”.  People who say they “can’t…

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August 5, 2023
Read more about the article Cold water immersion in nature: a therapist’s experience and reflections (Part 1)
Healing / Practices / Vitality

Cold water immersion in nature: a therapist’s experience and reflections (Part 1)

This post is narrated in this YouTube video: https://youtu.be/IE1Jwhhy1iY Taking the plunge I don’t know exactly why I started getting in cold water three years ago. Carl Jung said that…

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July 20, 2023
Read more about the article Resources for a creating a healthy relationship to anger
Resources

Resources for a creating a healthy relationship to anger

Books Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg A lot of what underlies anger is unmet needs and unacknowledged emotions. Nonviolent communication is…

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April 14, 2023
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metaforestinsights

Therapist reflecting on peace, growth, love, purpose, and living fully.
My full long-form videos are on YouTube.
🌲❄️🗻🪿🍄☀️
metaforest.life

Committing too fast to an incompatible or uncommit Committing too fast to an incompatible or uncommitted partner can be an attempt to protect the wound of abandonment or neglect.
Withholding commitment too long, even from great partners, can attempt to protect the wound of engulfment or loss of autonomy.
These commitment defenses correspond to anxious and avoidant attachment styles, which are ironically often drawn toward one another, because both the ability to commit and the wisdom to be discerning can be lost parts of ourselves.  Each ability is one half of the art and skill of commitment.  We can be simultaneously attracted to and repelled by either of those abilities that we've disowned in order to avoid pain and heartbreak in our pasts.
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Commitment Defenses
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.3.3)
~~~
#Love #Relationships #Dating #AttachmentTheory #Healing PersonalGrowth Commitment SelfAwareness AnxiousAttachment AvoidantAttachment RelationshipPatterns AttachmentWounds
Most people thrive with a secure attachment. When Most people thrive with a secure attachment.  When they adore and are adored.  Cherish and are cherished.  Ambivalence for too long prevents that security.

Choosing a restaurant meal is low stakes, so we only need 10 or 15 minutes to decide.  But for choosing to commit (emotionally) to a partner, the relevant unit of time is months or years.  A few weeks isn't enough to know someone well enough to let our heart fully open.  But two years of significant ambivalence is probably too long.  Life is too short to spend years holding back our love or being with someone who is holding back theirs.

The direction of a relationship commitment also matters.  If it’s increasing at the 2 year mark that is very different than if it’s decreasing.  Commitment isn’t all-or-nothing and it doesn’t happen all at once.  It’s also a risk, but with greater reward when it lasts.
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How Long Should Commitment Take?
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.3.2)
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#Relationships #Commitment #SecureAttachment #Dating #Love LifePhilosophy
Every path we choose excludes all others. That's t Every path we choose excludes all others. That's the existential given of relationship commitment.

Staying at the commitment fork in the road is also a choice. If we stay there too long, we miss the adventure of deep, nourishing intimacy.

Two people can share a lease, a last name, and even kids — and still not be fully committed to each other in their hearts.

Commitment is like ordering off a restaurant menu instead of staring at it forever and not eating.

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The Ambivalence Trap
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.3.1)
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#Relationships #Healing #Defenses #Psychology #SelfAwareness #InnerWork #Psychotherapy #Attachment #PersonalGrowth #ExistentialTherapy
Ever notice how after a breakup, people sometimes Ever notice how after a breakup, people sometimes pick up each other's hobbies or habits? What bothered you about your partner might have been a part of yourself you shut down long ago. The discomfort they triggered can be worth following.
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When a partner lives what we forbid
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.2.6)
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#Relationships #Healing #Defenses #Psychology #SelfAwareness #InnerWork #Psychotherapy #Attachment #PersonalGrowth
Characteristics that we’re attracted to in a partn Characteristics that we’re attracted to in a partner can sometimes be the ones we disowned from ourselves when we were growing up. They can also be the parts we most need to reclaim.
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Reclaiming lost parts of ourselves
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.2.5)
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#Relationships #Healing #Defenses #Psychology #SelfAwareness #InnerWork
Intimate relationships are the ones most likely to Intimate relationships are the ones most likely to abrade our core wounds, because it is within them that we allow ourselves to be the most vulnerable. That pain can make or break the relationship.
~~~~~
A relationship without defenses
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.2.4)
~~~~~
#Relationships #Healing #Defenses #Psychology #Therapy
Psychological defenses from childhood are like a h Psychological defenses from childhood are like a heavy wooden raft that we keep carrying long after the river is behind us.

Aggression, withdrawal, people-pleasing, guardedness, etc — they are the rafts that once helped us survive the river of childhood vulnerability.

But eventually they become a burden we have to learn to set down.
~~~~~
Walking with a heavy raft
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.2.3)
~~~~~
#Relationships #Healing #Defenses #Psychology #Therapy
Defenses block the flow of love in two ways: they Defenses block the flow of love in two ways: they prevent us from showing up for our partner the way they need, and they prevent us from receiving the healthy ways our partner shows up for us.

Defenses exist for a reason: to protect us from the pain of old wounds so we can keep functioning and moving through life.

But every defense comes with a cost. We tend to forget about the wound beneath it and instead become skilled at maintaining the defense itself rather than healing the wound.

Just as limping protects a broken toe but limits our ability to walk freely, emotional defenses protect us from pain while limiting our capacity to love and be loved.

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How defenses block the flow of love
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.2.2)
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#Relationships #Healing #Defenses #EmotionalWounds #Psychology #Therapy
Psychological wounds can be described in many ways Psychological wounds can be described in many ways. The simplest map is of a single “core wound”: a sense of unlovability. Another useful lens sees the two fundamental attachment injuries: abandonment and engulfment. Still other models describe core schemas (core beliefs) such as “I am unlovable”, “I am unsafe”, or “I am powerless”.

There are many classifications of emotional wounds, but they all attempt to make sense of what is underneath our protective defenses.

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Maps of psychological injury
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.2.1)
~~~~~
#Relationships #Healing #Psychology #Therapy #Defenses #CoreWounds
A lot of psychological healing comes down to becom A lot of psychological healing comes down to becoming aware of our core wounds, and distinguishing them from the defenses that we adopted to protect them.
Once we do that, we can give attention to the wound itself and not just the defense. Our attention is healing, so the wound underneath the defense is what most needs it.
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Psychological wounds and defenses
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.2)
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#Relationships #Healing #Psychology #Therapy #CoreWounds #Defenses
The sweetness of newer relationships can feel so g The sweetness of newer relationships can feel so good that it masks core wounds that we brought into the relationship. 
When the passion fire calms to a normal sustainable burn and the pain of our wounds is felt, we can misattribute that pain to a partner’s shortcomings.
Sometimes they did make mistakes. But often the pain was revealed more than it was created.
It’s like having an already fractured foot stepped on.
With distance, we may see that mutual defenses blocked love that could have potentially been given, had we worked on dissolving those defenses.
~~~~~
Breakups reveal what relationships conceal
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.1.2)
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#Relationships #Attachment #Healing #Breakups #SelfReflection #Dating #Psychology
~~~ Perspective from a distance (Three pillars of ~~~
Perspective from a distance
(Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.1.1)

While we’re in relationship, pain feels like cause and effect.
They do something. We hurt.

After it ends, and the same wounds still ache, we can see our wounds more clearly.
~~~

#Relationships #Healing #Attachment #Breakups #Self-Reflection #Dating #Psychology
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