Why do we have opposite tendencies to feel invisible and insignificant on one hand, and other times experience the “spotlight effect”, overestimating how much others are paying attention to us? Why do we oscillate between overestimating and underestimating our importance to others, and what do these misjudgements depend on? How can developmental and evolutionary psychology shed light on the disconnect between the perception vs the reality of how much or how little attention is turned our way? I share a few thoughts on these questions in this video.

The longer I live, the more I perceive how interconnected I am with the rest of life on the planet. Noticing this can be at once frightening and liberating, depending perhaps on our current appetites for control vs acceptance. What influence can “little old me” possibly have, when it is placed next to that of infinite creation? Are we master and commander of our ship, restrained only by the limits of our imagination and determination? Or are we passengers of fate in a vehicle steered by the hands of God, exempt from any task other than steadfast surrender? What is the extent of our influence and the nature of our lack of it? Has any action or thought ever transpired with absolute zero ripples of consequence? Or is circular causality ever-present and ubiquitous? In this video I expand on these inquiries with the intention of illuminating the challenge and beauty of our inescapable interrelatedness. Comprehension of our own power mirrors an awareness of the forces of all other life upon us, since the same laws govern both. Clear perception of circular causality liberates us by illuminating both the power and the powerlessness that flow from our interconnectedness.

A continuation of my essay on relationship dynamics that I’ve called “The subtle art of taking it personally”. In this section I introduce some questions I’ll be exploring, and the concept of “circular causality”, a useful term from the field of marriage and family therapy that, once seen, cannot be unseen (at least in my experience). The next several videos will go into more detail on circular causality (the way we continuously and dynamically impact and influence one another), how and why circular causality is often not perceived from our subjective points of view, and the resulting consequences of that blind spot in our personal lives and societies.

You may have heard the advice, “don’t take anything personally”. And what’s not to like about the idea that other people's challenging behavior has nothing to do with us and is all “about them”? But… is it true? If so, would that not also infer that all of our actions are only “about us” and have nothing to do with what other people do in our midst? What does “taking something personally” actually mean? And for that matter, what does “personal” mean? (This may not be as obvious as it sounds). How much of human behavior is about the characteristics of the person exhibiting it, and how much of it is a “normal” reaction to their context, and what factors does the answer to that question depend on? When are we at risk of taking something too personally, and when might we not take something personally enough? And how can we skillfully make a case-by-case, nuanced discernment of the extent to which our behavior arises from our personality and past conditioning, as opposed to being simply proportionate responses to real impacts of others’ choices upon us? I’m taking a look at these and other questions in my latest video series, called “The subtle art of taking it personally.” This is part 1.